I had a very hard childhood. With undiagnosed autism and five siblings.
My mum raised all of us by herself. I think it was too hard for her because my oldest brother and I were the ones getting abused. I remember the blood dripping from my nose. I remember praying to a God I did not know. Just to make it all stop.
I was not allowed to go outside and play with other kids. I raised my little brother and sister from when I was around seven years old, because I was a girl I could only do the house chores and take care of my brother and sister.
In school, I was always the odd one out. I felt left out, I changed schools so many times. I didn’t knew how to make friends. all I knew was how to do the dishes. At fifteen, I finished high school and I had to work because my mother needed money for all of us. I worked very hard. And when I got home from work, I went with my mum to her work, and if we finished there I had to make dinner for seven people! I was completely exhausted by the time I turned eighteen.
I ran away from home to a different city and I got scared of everything. In my childhood I never learnt to just be. I only knew how to clean. My world went from very small to very big. I went to therapy and learnt to deal with fear. When I was twenty seven, they diagnosed me with autism, and suddenly everything fell on its place.
When I was thirteen I smoked cigarettes, I drank alcohol, I stole from people and from shops. I felt depressed every day. When I turned fourteen, I quit alcohol and I was sober until I was twenty three. My father was sick from cancer.
I went to him every day. I shaved all my hair. And I started drinking again. Within a month he died. I moved 200km further away. I drank every day and started taking heroin. I had no idea what to do with myself. And the world was too heavy for me to live in. One year later, I am heavily addicted to alcohol, crack cocaine and heroin. every day all I could do and think of was how to get money to get enough heroin to not get sick. I had created a world where I did not have to be or do anything. I was obviously a victim. I never wanted any of this.
I went to rehab and I fell back to using drugs again. Every time something happened that I could not handle. But using drugs has never ever made me a happier person. Every time after rehab I fell back into the same pattern. Nothing has changed. I have had so many OD’s I couldn’t believe how I survived that. something. Or someone needs me on this planet. That’s when I understood that something greater than myself wants better for me.
The last time I woke up on the streets, with wounds and pain in my body I decided to go my last detox. (so I thought) now, detox is never fun. You are sick in a hospital. They give you medicine that makes you feel like an empty shell. Even more then the drugs already did. I was nothing anymore..
I always felt connected to something.. I have always knew that I was loved. I just didn’t know what it was. I started reading about religions, which ones there were. I wanted to read about all of them. But deep inside I knew I was ready for Islam. I have always felt good about Islam. The more I read about Islam the more I felt loved. Connected. Worth it. All the bad stuff that has happened to me will keep happening if I believe I am a victim. Allah thought me that I am worth of a good life. And He is right. Everything I have overcome. It was not too much. Even though it felt like that in the moment.
I went to detox and to rehab. They ask you about your diet and I said I wanted to eat halal. I was clean. Reading about Islam every day. And I knew I was on the right path. In my rehab group there was a brother. He taught me a lot. May Allah bless him. He thought me to eat with my right hand. He taught me how his culture differs from another ones. I remember learning the Shahadah and I felt the rest and the calmness in my spine. I do believe Mohammed (pbuh) is my prophet. His life was very hard as well! Having a hard life does not mean that there is no God. My father said on his deathbed: “Where is God now?” But my father smoked his entire life. He drank alcohol every day. He was a very unhealthy man. I do think it was his time.
Now, my life has not magically resolved it self. But I work hard every day to make my life a worthy one. I am not a victim. And I will not behave like one anymore. I fell back into using drugs again. Even after I took the Shahadah. I have gone back to detox again. I have done gossiping. I am still learning every day. And I improve myself every day. I am sober for the longest time in the past 6 years. After I pray I feel good. And light. I do not carry all the problems of the world on my shoulders any more. Islam is a very forgiving religion. and it is true. Allah never gives a soul more than it can bear.
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